This article popped up in several places in the media a couple of days back and struck a chord with me.
For the longest time I’ve been trying to figure out who I am. Now I know that might sound a little strange but from my perspective I’m always identified through other people. I’m Karl’s wife, Lalitha and Luca’s mother, Rosetta and Giuseppe’s oldest daughter.
I do have a job in the outside world (which I’m reluctant to discuss in too much detail) but even there things are unsatisfactory. I’m constantly fighting to get things done. Because of the way the company is run, every decision needs to go through a sign off procedure. It seems to take an age to get a decision on anything and more often than not you’re left feeling that it’s not being run for the customers but for the shareholders. There’s more but I’d probably write a novel, bore you and give away where I work (which, considering the amount of information about me there is online, would be easy to figure out) so I’ll leave it at ‘the job is deeply unsatisfactory’ and much change is going on within the company that make’s what I do difficult.
Motherhood is a challenge – as much as I love my two sproglets, they are highly intelligent, driven, strong minded individuals. These are all brilliant qualities in an adult but try parenting that in a child, times 2. It’s exhausting. Both were early talkers, and at the moment it’s constant questions normally from both of them at the same time. The word ‘no’ normally provokes temper tantrums on a monumental scale, particularly from the 3 year old. My nearly 7 year old on the other hand will listen intently to my explanation to the no and then go and do it anyway. I’m beginning to realise her approach to life is ‘it’s better to apologise than regret’.
Juggling the outside job, the job of mum, keeping the home going and dealing with the unexpected serious illness of my father has made me think, more than usual. Just why am I still doing what I’m doing if it’s not working for me?
I’ve got too comfortable. The thought of striking out on my own is scary. But it shouldn’t be, my parents have been self employed all my life. My husband’s family have been self employed all of his.
It doesn’t help that I hate change – I don’t do it very well and more so than normal there has been a lot of upheaval in my life. So I can certainly understand why two thirds of women are unhappy with their lives (with all that juggling). It’s up to to me to change things, I’ve been saying ‘but’ and making excuses for too long. I’ve decided to do one small thing a day that will help me move towards finding out who I am and what I really want to do. Part of that will be to update this blog on a regular basis. I’m setting myself the small challenge of writing one post a day for the next seven days. Big or small it doesn’t matter, just write.
I'm Lotusblossom Knits. I knit, I dye yarn, I drink tea (and a lot of coffee) and I chase feral children. Occasionally I might ramble on about other stuff as well, like politics, religion and cake.
